WHERE IT COMES FROM

there’s a version of me people love
the one that feels deeply
that loves without hesitation
that shows up with a kind of care
that feels intentional
like it was built, not stumbled into
they call that rare
they call it beautiful
they say they’ve never experienced
anything like it
they say it like it just exists
clean
contained
easy to admire
but they never really ask where it
comes from
or if they do
they expect something simple
something soft
something that doesn’t ask anything of
them
it didn’t come from that
it came from noticing too much
from not being able to look away
from feeling things all the way
through
instead of stopping where it would be
easier
it came from not letting things go
just because they became inconvenient
and that same place
the one they admire when it produces
love
is the exact same place they reject
when it produces anger
or grief
or refusal
they like the depth
until it has edges
they like the care
until it costs them something
they like the way I feel
until it doesn’t feel good for them
and then suddenly
the same qualities that were “rare”
become “too much”
the same intensity that made them feel seen
becomes something they need me to
dilute
as if it was ever separate
as if it was ever optional
you don’t get to split it like that
you don’t get the outcome
and then negotiate the conditions
it’s like standing in a gallery
in front of something finished
something precise
and treating it like it simply came to
exist all on its own
but the studio is still there
paint on the floor
half-started work
things that didn’t resolve cleanly
things that had to be held longer
than anyone would choose
that’s where it comes from
not from something controlled
not from something easy
from something that stayed
when it would have been simpler to
shut it off
so when you say you love how deeply I
care
but not how strongly I react
to what matters
you’re not describing two problems
you’re describing one thing that
you only respect in its most
convenient form
it’s one system
one source
and it doesn’t filter itself
to stay easy to hold
don’t ask me to make it smaller
just so that its easier for you to
handle.
If my studio is too messy for you,
Don’t come to my gallery either.
if you can’t hold all of it
you don’t get to keep any of it.